Step aside, #FloridaMan – it’s the ladies’ turn! In the Sunshine State, women are making headlines with narcotics, aggravated assault, and public nudity. It’s a truly equal-opportunity scene of chaos.
In this list, we celebrate ten fearless feminists, Florida-style. Buckle up; it’s going to be a wild ride!
10 Meat the Parents
Sometimes, you just really, really want a Bloomin’ Onion. When 28-year-old Deanna Seltzer’s parents refused to take her to Outback Steakhouse, she went full Crocodile Dundee. After punching her mother and scratching her dad, she grabbed a 12-inch decorative knife and chased her father around the house.
Seltzer also overturned recliners and slashed furniture. Charged with battery and aggravated battery with a deadly weapon, she was released on bail with orders to avoid drugs and alcohol, a tall order in Florida.
Why did a 28-year-old need permission to visit Outback Steakhouse? And why was a Bloomin’ Onion her breaking point?
9 Losing Her Cool
Floridians are already a bit wild. When Kimberly Dunn’s husband tried to take her air conditioner one day, her response was…memorable: she shot him in the testicles.
The couple was divorcing, and the husband wanted to sell the AC unit on Facebook. Dunn perched herself atop the unit with a handgun, refusing to move. Things escalated, and her husband ended up bleeding from his babymakers. He went to the hospital; she went to jail. Both had some explaining to do.
Dunn claimed the shooting was accidental and that she only meant to scare him. Mission accomplished?
8 Check, Please
Thirty-eight-year-old Freedom Ryder Zobrist was arrested in Pensacola for indecent exposure, disorderly conduct, battery, and assault, hitting that Florida superfecta.
An employee at a Waffle House asked Zobrist to leave due to her behavior. She returned, verbally abused the employee, and threatened to get a gun and shoot everyone.
Then, she removed her clothes in the parking lot, exposing herself and dancing around. Still sans pants, Zobrist licked both sides of the employee’s face before blocking his vehicle and dancing naked in front of his car. Someone get this woman a pole and a stage.
7 The Sunshine State Samaritan
In early April, as the COVID-19 pandemic hit St. Augustine, 42-year-old Abril Cestoni decided to help her fellow Floridians. With grocery stores running low on essentials and Easter around the corner, Cestoni thought folks could use a pick-me-up.
She collected hollow plastic Easter eggs and hatched a plan to provide locals with a COVID care package, Florida style. She left the eggs in neighborhood mailboxes.
Inside, each egg contained a cracker, powdered drink mix, one square of toilet paper, and a crumpled magazine page with a pornographic image. Standard Sunshine State staples.
Cestoni isn’t as stealth as the Easter Bunny. Confronted by police, she admitted to placing the eggs, explaining she was “educating people.” She was charged with 11 counts of distributing obscene material, though she claimed to have distributed some 400 eggs.
6 Meals on Wheels (and Meth)
Josseleen Lopez, 20, of Lecanto, Florida, decided to patronize her local Wal-Mart. Mini muffins? Check. Cinnamon rolls? Check. Rotisserie chicken? Check. Sushi? Sure, why not?
Two bottles of cheap wine? Double check. Meth? You bet. After shooting two syringes’ worth into her veins, Ms. Lopez threw discretion to the wind.
She chose a motorized scooter cart and zipped around the aisles, then consumed her meal right there in the grocery section. An employee noticed a half-empty bottle of wine and watched as she ate a piece of sushi from a box, then placed it back on the shelf, creating a “Floridian buffet.”
5 Under Arrest and In the Mood
Last year, a deputy pulled over Megan Mondanaro, 35, and Aaron Thomas, 31, near Jacksonville after they nearly caused a collision. Smelling alcohol, the officer arrested them for suspicion of drunk driving. Another day in Florida, right?
Wrong.
Mondanaro and Thomas went full Florida by fornicating in the back of the patrol car. Noticing they had shed their clothes and were engaged in recently arrested amorousness, the deputy opened the car door. Thomas pulled the ultimate move by streaking naked into the night.
After a highly entertaining police scanner notice, Thomas was arrested. Both he and Mondanaro were jailed. Charges included resisting with violence, unnatural and lascivious act, exposure of sexual organs, and driving under the influence.
4 She Am Who Am
Leida Crisostomo, 52, of Collier County, was convinced that she and God were one and the same.
Hopping on a child’s tricycle, Crisostomo grabbed a handgun and pointed it at several people. Then, she pedaled to a parked mail truck and insisted that a package was Heaven-sent. At gunpoint, she took the parcel and rode off on her tricycle.
Police pulled up and commanded her to drop the gun. It turned out to be a toy. Crisostomo revealed that she was God and that voices in her head were telling her what to do. Crisostomo was arrested but soon released.
3 Bosom Buddies
Jennifer Mulford quit her job to take her relationship with Brad Leeson to the next level: Adult Breastfeeding Relationship (ABR).
Mulford had always been fascinated by ABR but had difficulty finding a partner until she reconnected with Leeson.
“When I read about the bond breastfeeding could create between two people, I was envious,” she said. “[Brad and I] both wanted the same thing out of the relationship – a magical bond that only breastfeeding can achieve.”
Mulford had to “dry feed” and pump her breasts regularly to produce milk. The couple nurses every two hours, even overnight. Mulford doesn’t breastfeed her boyfriend in public, which in Florida is common courtesy.
2 You’re Fired, Florida Style
Carmen Chamblee, 19, had enough of her ex-boyfriend. She left an angry note on his car: she lit a rag on fire, stuck it in the gas tank, popped the trunk, and set the inside aflame.
The only problem? It wasn’t her boyfriend’s car. Thomas Jennings, whose Honda Civic met a fiery demise, had no idea who she was. Chamblee was identified via surveillance video and arrested.
In Jacksonville, Melanie Cross torched a man’s vehicle because he wouldn’t buy her a McFlurry from McDonald’s. She snatched his keys, grabbed a gas can, doused the car, and set it ablaze.
Cross lied to the local news team, claiming the car was her own and had spontaneously combusted.
1 What a Gas
Sarah Jo Longacre, 45, of Naples, was sucking gas from a propane tank in her garage when her mother called the cops.
When police arrived, they discovered Longacre was naked, toothless, and tipsy, having consumed two liters of alcohol. Annoyed, Longacre sparked a lighter, held the flame near the nozzle, and threatened to blow up the party.
Police kicked the propane tank away. Escorting the none-too-pleased Longacre off the premises took several emergency workers. She kicked and bit, but it didn’t hurt because she had no teeth. Longacre was hospitalized, arrested, and charged with threatening to discharge a destructive device and resisting an officer with violence.
Florida never fails to deliver the bizarre and unbelievable!
Which #FloridaWoman story did you find the most outrageous? Leave your comment below!
